Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Alive.
So much puke
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
