if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
