i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
