apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
