I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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