the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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