Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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