I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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