He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
