He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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