Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
