i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
