the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
