I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
