party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
