um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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