from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize