Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
