he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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