im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
