My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize