I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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