i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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