I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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