I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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