Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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