I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
