when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
