He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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