is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
