college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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