my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize