I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
