The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
