Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
