oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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