Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
