my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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