so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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