it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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