i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she peed on how many people?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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