dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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