Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
