Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
