I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
