I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
