Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
