i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
