It's Friday. Sex?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
