i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
