Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
