I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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