my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
