I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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