I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
