She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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