there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
