ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
