PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
