The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
