someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
