just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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