The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
