i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
