Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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