I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
